a long lineage of loneliness, and dreams is an exploration of dreams and disappointments, loneliness and longing, hopes and fears. Equal parts autobiography and fiction, I use modern and improvisational dance, storytelling, and humor to explore topics such as inherited trauma, surviving adolescence, and the power of art to heal and escape. The work, developed between 2018-2020, includes poetry, dance, short films, and performance art.
above photo by Ludger Storcks
how everything still turns to gold, a solo from A Long Lineage of Loneliness, and Dreams
photo by Olaf Jelinski
An aging rock-n-roll star shares how the dreams of their youth- to make music that would change the world- helped them survive a lonely adolescence. Having seemingly succeeded in becoming a star, it is revealed that they are not who they appear to be- neither famous nor a real musician- and have lost touch with reality and lost themselves to their loneliness and dreams.
how everything still turns to gold was performed as part of Lake Studios Unfinished Fridays Series #59 (Berlin, DE) on June 21, 2019. It was also shown on July 13, 2019 at Ponderosa Dance (Stolzenhagen, DE), on September 4, 2019 at the Durham Fruit (Durham, NC USA), and on December 6, 2019 at Tatwerk’s 5th birthday party celebration (Berlin, DE).
Check out performance videos here!
an assortment of parts
poems, short films, observations on a train, and other things
dream #358
In 2006 I got a reading from the seer Tomiko Omichi Smith. She recorded our session (playing in the video). In it, she tells me I will never find much success as a dancer. I don’t know if what I’ve done so far is success, and I wonder if there’s anything I could have done or still do to be more successful. I wonder what success is, what did she mean anyway.
And I hear her again, here, advising me to do what I love. And what I love is dancing. And I know that while success is awesome, it does not measure passion, purpose, or pleasure. Which, for me, are found deepest in the act of dancing.
I am not dancing much these days (the past 3-4 years) even though I moved to Berlin in order to dance (I mean, it was a few things, but I definitely thought I would be dancing more). Necessary things, life things, get in the way. Figuring out how to exist in another country gets in the way. Finding safe housing and learning a new language get in the way. Making money gets in the way. Lack of network and no one knowing who I am and feeling old and tired of trying get in the way.
Sometimes I wonder if I will go back to pursuing success as a dancer. I am in a moment of ambivalence in that regard. I wonder, too, if I want to love it again so much that I would move across the world for it. Or maybe I just do love dance and whether or not I tend to that love, it will always be there anyway, overtly or covertly guiding my life.
When once in a while I do get to a studio, I like to wear my favorite clothes and dance to songs popular in the 90’s. Original music was Smells like Teen Spirit by Nirvana, and I am wearing sexy underwear to promote healthy pelvic movement and a hoodie because hoodies make me feel safe and powerful.
originally published on Instagram @nicomalala on November 18, 2019
filmed at Ponderosa
Stolzenhagen, DE
Don’t surrender your loneliness so quickly. Let it cut you more deep. Let it ferment and season you as few humans and even divine ingredients can. Something missing in my heart tonight has made my eyes so soft, my voice so tender, my need for God absolutely clear.
- Hafiz
remembering something I’m trying to forget
originally published on Instagram @safetyinthewild on May 6, 2020
dream #539
nothing, really
I am not wearing a sheet
I am not moving my body
This is not Laurie Anderson
This is not art or a statement or a piece or a phase
I don’t believe in fixed, in being fixed, in fixing things
I am trapped inside a pillowcase
The sheet smells of sitting far too long on a shelf by itself
to be worn continuously for more than several minutes.
inspired in part by Laurie Anderson and Martha Graham
originally published on Instagram @safetyinthewild on May 14, 2020
91 seconds of almost-silence on a rush-hour packed subway train in Berlin
I recorded this audio last October* to send to a friend who I had just visited in Milan. Trains in Milan are loud- people talking on their phones, to their friends and companions, to strangers. Music plays from headphones, speakers, or both.
I hold my face in my two hands.
No, I am not crying.
I hold my face in my two hands
to keep the loneliness warm –
two hands protecting,
two hands nourishing,
two hands preventing
my soul from leaving me
in anger.
— Thich Nhat Hanh
This audio recording is almost silent. It includes a candy-wrapper being opened, a small screeching of the train on the track, and the conductor announcing the next stop. The train was full of people keeping to their personal space, both physically and aurally.
It makes me wonder how societal norms for conduct affect us. In the train in Milan, I felt like I was going crazy from how loud it was and how little other people seemed to care about how loud it was (or my personal space). In Berlin, where trains are often very quiet, I appreciate the feeling of calm but can also feel oppressed inside of it, as though to make any noise would break the social contract and offend the people around me.
I wonder if loneliness has a preference for noise or silence, small bubbles of personal space or large. I wonder if it hides in between the rolling vowels of the Italian language, or pronounces itself boldly in the choppiness of long German consonant-heavy words. I wonder if it grows in the warm hello of Italian kisses, or the contained handshake of the German formal greeting.
It is reductive to imagine these two cultures as monolithic- there are nuances and exceptions to the stereotypes I’m leaning on, and my intention isn’t to debate which culture is superior or even better at not being lonely. It is my experience that loneliness doesn’t discriminate between places, cultures, or people. Like different species of trees, loneliness roots everywhere and grows according to the conditions of the place.
As to the trains, if trains in Italy feel like a party I don’t want to be at, trains in Germany feel like a funeral for someone I don’t care about. Two different varieties of loneliness, two different trees growing towards a light, very, very far away.
*from 29 October 2019, 17:00, Ring Bahn at Treptower, Berlin, DE
originally published on https://nicolabullock.tumblr.com on April 29, 2020
originally published on Instagram @safetyinthewild on May 22, 2020
Loneliness: A Tribute
Celebrating Loneliness, Together
for the past 18 months I have been in my #EXTREMELYSERIOUSARTPROCESS exploring #LONELINESS. I’ve learned lots along the way, including that people are awkward to talk (or hear) about it much. I think a lot of us consider loneliness a problem (personal failing) to be solved instead of an experience (cultural and human) to be had. I wonder if shifting the narrative could take away some of the shame and fear that can accompany loneliness, and lighten its load.
I learned that loneliness can be situational/acute, and/or persistent/chronic.
I learned that loneliness is defined by its lack (a deficiency of love, attention, something wanted or desired), an idea that I love, how not having something is it’s own some-thing.
I learned that loneliness can be deeply painful and deeply satisfying at the same time
� hello darkness my old friend �
all images and videos come from the past 4 years on my iPhone
special thanks to lots of strangers, the elements, graffiti artists, the internet, my iPhone, Doritos, the horses at Hasenheide, disco lights, Ponderosa, Duolingo, tea, google, capitalism, shadows, stickers, Marvin Gaye, and you ♥️
originally published on Instagram @nicomalala on April 22, 2020
all content originally was originally published between 2019-2020 on the following sites:
https://nicolabullock.tumblr.com